These boots were made for walking

One of my favorite characters as a kid was Puss'n Boots. Feisty and independent, swashbuckling and sharp cat. Not the cat you want to engage in games with--you'll lose every time. So like that character and the famed boots (Prada no doubt), this cat must move on.

Much like the lessons I try to impart on my May/December love-children, I must take a page from my own diary and see things as they are. Love and friendship knows no age, boundaries, color and it certainly has no hard and fast rules. And furthermore, it's about being authentic, understanding, patient, loving, transparent, honest and true to who you are before you can be all those things and some to the one for whom you have an eye.

One of the love children from whom I get my stories, had a wake up call this past week. This Cougar had been wondering if the signs her Thundercat had been sending were just flirtatious passes made at her only or any woman that might catch his roving eye. Was he really in to her and willing to take a plunge into the tepid adult sea of love, rock his boat a bit and paddle back to shore? Or was he simply confused and unsure of his own feelings and desires, and what she might mean to him on a deeper, more meaningful than a simple roll in the hay-- level? Took a candid conversation, some unkind words, tears and perhaps some make up something or other (my friend is not the kiss and tell type) to get to the bottom of things. Ah, truth be told he's really not into her but really into her. Make sense? Not really, but love seldom does.

So on that note, do your thing kitties. Be true to who you are. Be you regardless of what folks say, think or do. Don't get caught up in titles and labels and don't get trapped in some box that's convenient for others to put you in. Love you above all and the one you're with.

Ciao, bellas!

Feeding Time

Feeling more like a zoo keeper and pet shelter attendant than advice columnist, this week. And like one takes time out at the zoo to feed and nurse the baby animals (adult ones too), time to feed the Thunderkittens, some more knowledge, that is. And Cougars need some lessons too, so I'm taking this week to feed the cubs and feed my ego, get some more stories to share and come back with lessons for us all.

Ciao kitties

Here, kitty kitty

I have a whole new respect for teachers, students can be a difficult and trying bunch, and this teacher has to take a time out!

So, Dating for Young Dummies should be the title of this digest, but that might be too harsh for some kittens still wet behind the ears. Although some Thundercats like to fancy themselves grown, they still tend to stray and lose their mittens, if not the sense they were presumably born with!

Let's talk about acknowledgment. So young, old, married, dating or simply trolling for talent on the ole Internet, folks like to be acknowledged. Makes them feel good, wanted, special and all that good self esteem building kinda good. So while some shade-tree wannabe philosopher/lover/pimp may have told you that telling a girl/young woman or member of the better sex that they were pretty/ important/ missed/ special/ smart would only spoil a woman and have her thinking she's in control of your heart--was a damn fool and you are a bigger fool for believing that rubbish! There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to matters of right and wrong and making someone feel valued. Showing someone they mean more to you than last night's game score, or getting through to the next level on that video game, goes a long way toward scoring look-at-me-I-can-do-it-by-myself-because-I'm-a-big-boy points with your Cougar. She's supportive and eager to help you and show you off, what's your problem? Tell her and, more important, show her you like her, already. Or she'll be gone. Period.

This teacher realizes that the age difference, coupled with not having come into your own emotionally, along with societal views and pressures or the ole what-will-they-think attitude looms large in in a Thundercat's world, but those same pressures are there for the Cougar in your life. She has to contend with her friends, peers, family and the judging eye of those half her age wondering what she's doing with you too! So, maybe you don't normally bring your girls around your friends, or you're used to just hanging with the boys, or maybe you kinda view your Cougar as a jump off (for the non hip to modern lingo, that would be the chick on the side or get-with, pass around, etc.)--whatever the case may be, she may think more highly of you and you will feel better about yourself, if you put yourself in her Louboutins and acknowledge that she's in your world and like a real person, has feelings and needs. Enough about that. Let's move on.

Story time again. How do you track a cougar down? Well, you can be a Cougar Hunter which is akin to being a tool in my book, or you can simply be yourself, get up the nerve and approach her as you would any other woman you'd step to. Now, you may have to pick up on some signals that she's interested in you and more than just flattered by the fact that someone old enough, at times, to be her son is hitting on her and not the young perky thing standing next to her in the convenience store. Flashback to a friend's first May December coupling- or as we'll call this "Encounters of the Convenient Kind" (turns out our Cougar met her Thundercat at the 7/11)
Make small talk each time she comes in. Compliment her on her comfort food choices. Tell her a joke. Engage her in conversation. if she hangs around for more than 5 minutes after she's completed her sale, maybe you have a chance. She just might be into you and not just eager for conversation with anyone who'll take the time to talk to her. Then, one day get up the courage to ask her for her number so you can continue that conversation on the origins of Jazz or whatever conversation you were having. Call her (don't text her first or email her), come from behind the comfort of the text and go for it. And so the romance began. But this one did not end so well. Our Cougar may have been too much for this young Thundercat, or maybe it was just a cultural difference more so than age that caused the rift (The Thundercat hailed from a clan where family comes first and men ruled the roost even if they were still in Underoos). Or maybe the pressure of an overprotective older sister who thought our Cougar was desperate and disgusting for luring our young Thunderkitten down the dark side of mature-woman-love. Or perhaps, his young girlfriend was a safer, more passive and less demanding of this somewhat immature, if not intelligent and eager-to-please young man. Maybe it was the fact that our young kitten was dare we say it--a virgin (a danger zone no matter the age or sex)--and the experience just too much for his young, inexperienced heart. But before the road took an ugly, unexpectedly sudden and sharp turn, our Cougar enjoyed her young lover-- taking him places, introducing him to friends, going to the movies and dinner. But oddly, she didn't see the signs that he never took her around his friends or to places at times where he might be "caught" with her. Never took her home when family was around. Never headed out in the day and was much too willing to spend all his time at her place. Poor Cougar. Then after months of endless calls, late nights at her apartment, late night meetings in out of the way places, first-time Thundercat just stopped calling. The one place our Cougar could always catch him was at work, but he hadn't made it in, in weeks. Confused and weak, she called, and called until she finally reached him and without so much as a screw you, he put his sister on the phone and let her do his dirty work. Our young kitten was a cowardly cub. And so, rejected, crestfallen and distraught, our Cougar gorged herself on comfort snacks (from a different convenience store, no doubt), called yours truly, cried her eyes out and vowed to never mess with a Thundercat again.
Lesson to this story: don't settle, no matter how tempting or convenient the snack. Name brand and courageous cats are always a better pick of the litter--no matter what the age.

Flirtexting and Dating Don'ts

As promised, some tips on making it through the sometimes tepid and, often, treacherous waters of May-December dating.

Last time, we went over this new age communications thing: texting. It has many terms--IMing, pinging, texting, flirtexting and sexting. We'll get into the latter one at another time.

Cougars-- We understand that not too long ago, when we had land lines, answering machines, beepers, simple emailing and pen and paper even, reaching out and touching someone was simple. Checking to see if Mr. Goodbar had called was simple. Getting a read on his interest was all about body language, mood rings and whopping 14 hour .15cts a minute phone bills. Now in the day of instant gratification, short attention spans, e-cards, email breakups and dare we say illiteracy (who do you know reads and writes letters?)--the rules are different and somewhat as simple as the young boy you're trying to call your (boy)friend.
When a thundercat, or cougar hunter (more on this breed later), steps to you and asks for your number--as he punches it into his cellphone or gets it via email (learn how to do this, read that manual your phone came with or ask the teenager locked up in that room in your house you pay for, to help)--make sure you give him permission to text or IM you. If you don't have instant chat capabilities or an account, take 5 minutes to set one up. The delayed response time it cuts out from unsent and slow emails is awesome, and when you move to flirtexting, it can add to the moment--if you know what I mean.
Say more than "hi" when you do get that text. Just like in normal face-to-face conversation, keep the flow going. Now you may not be familiar with text talk and abbreviations. Don't be mad or ashamed (or like most grown folks, pissed because the fool can't spell), just a sign of the times and who you're trying to hook up with. Now if he should talk to you like this all the time, it may be time to re-evaluate the situation and find yourself a better breed of thundercat. Maybe you dipped too far back in the cage. Those still needing their mother's milk, may be a bit too young!

When he texts--text back as soon as you can and within a few hours, not days, if you're interested. And if he doesn't hit you back right away, don't spazz and go all Amber-alert on him, his phone may have died, he may be in class, at a job that does not allow for the same phone freedom as yours and, or, he may be trying to call you. Don't freak out. Enjoy the texting.
And get creative with it. Who doesn't enjoy a ping in the middle of a boring meeting or day? A simple reminder of the spontaneity a thundercat may bring to your otherwise routine life. Return the favor and let him know you're thinking of him. Hell ask him out or over. Be flirtatious and bold, that's why he likes you. You're over the young, insecure girl game playing, remember?

Now here are some important tips: if he only text past 10Pm, your flirtexter is looking for a hook up-or as we called them-- booty call. Or he may have a cheap evenings-free-after-9pm plan, have another texter on the side, have a curfew or just not be right for you. Move on. Have some dignity. There are plenty of other thunderkittens in the litter. Remember you do the hunting.
And last one--don't TUI--text under the influence. Like drunk dialing. Not cute. You may regret that text in the morning, or it may show up on someone's twitter page.

Now for you thundercats--go easy on your cougar. Remember this is not some young girl you're used to toying with, and although she may act timid and Uber cool, it's only to make you feel ten feet taller than you are. Grown women know how to out think men, of any age. Period. So don't get to thinking that because she lets you take charge and flex those hard muscles of yours, or she may have short term memory lapses, it's because she's headed for the Geritol and ginkgo jar or geriatric ward. She's got more on her mind that you can imagine and has forgotten more than you'll ever know. Trust. She doesn't miss a trick. But do teach her and take the time to show her what you know. She'll be impressed, flattered and grow closer to you on an emotional and intellectual level. A way to a grown woman's heart is not through the part that splits apart. Don't break her heart by failing to recognize she has both a heart and a brain. Hell, that goes for your same age relationships too. So teach her and get her over her technophobia. She just might beat you at Halo and Madden!

Your abbreviated self--TUI, TMI, DUI, DIY. Let's start with TUI--no texting under the influence. No grown woman wants to be hit up after you've been out with your buddies and you've hit on some young perky- breasted chick you find shallow, only to get a text or call at 2am that clearly says in your awkward young boy way, that you miss her and think she's more beautiful than your Mom. Remember--she's not your Mom. She's a M.I.L.F (!) Big difference. Flattered for a quick minute, but unlike a younger woman, she doesn't find it cute that you like her more than that PYT you just finished telling your boys you'd like to bag. There' no comparison. Call her cocky, but she's a cougar and confident. Don't forget it.

TMI: too much information. Cougars love to hear the details of your day and life, but frankly some things are just too much. Plus you need to mind what you say. She knows you want to have 3 or 4 kids. But think about it. She may not want or can have 3 or 4 kids. She may want to give you a child, but simply can't. That may hurt her on many levels. Make her withdraw a bit. Doesn't mean you can't share your hopes and dreams with her, your secrets and desires. Just think how she may feel or react to certain things that just come shooting out of your mouth in the name of honesty and sharing. Sometimes you have to remember the age difference, and where you both are on your journeys. This may also have her thinking about how short term your relationship is really destined to be. Beyond the physical, what is there? Just something to think about. Doesn't have to put a damper on things or change how the two of you feel or move forward. Just gotta be real. Like keeping it real about the number of folks you've slept with. Don't share too much or too little and don't embellish. Again. A grown woman knows.

DUI- driving under the influence should not be done under any circumstances, but "driving" under the influence is also a no-no. Maybe you need a bit of the ole confidence juice, or some happy pills to get your stick shift in gear, but nothing worse that one that's stuck in reverse or on "S" for soft. Just like going too fast, soft ain't sexy. Please, man-up for your old lady. Don't be nervous and look for courage in a bottle. She'll take it easy on you, and perhaps if you don't pass out from the awesome monkey sex the two of you have, you'll remember the moment. Drunk sex is worst than sloppy seconds.

DIY--get it together or leave it alone. If you're trying to get with a cougar, she's feeling you and you're feeling her, go for it or she'll move on. DIY- stands for: do it yourself. Too many kittens in the shelter and too many toys for the asking. Cougars need no man to take them to their happy place. Having you present just makes for a better time and something to share with her fellow cougars, or over texting. Think how pleased you'll be to get those pings in the middle of the afternoon. Sheer delight.

Next time: the different breeds of thundercats and cougars.

Until then, happy hunting. Meow...

Hello Kitties

The Cougar. A reality show on Cable TV and by modern definition, she is often a professional woman, usually 15 or so years older than her young prey, generally attractive and well preserved, could also be categorized as a MILF, has the energy and verve of a woman half her age, and the appetite for fresh meat often reserved for her male counterparts. She is parodied on SNL, secretly admired by many and hated on by her younger female competitors, who are often threatened by her sexual power which is nothing more than her confidence which she wears like a badge of honor.

Madonna, Hulk Hogan's ex, Sharon Stone, Vivica Fox--all cougars and proud. They give those of us who may have been closeted cougars the big thumbs up, and make us feel that we aren't sad and desperate old women who should stick to men our own age. That there is nothing wrong with liking who you like and getting with whomever turns you on.

I think as a woman gets older and becomes more comfortable with who she is, she lets go of standards set by someone else to define and determine who and what she is, who and what she should like and how she truly views and values her true self. An older woman, is often not looking for a man with whom she can have kids, she usually has raised them already and may be looking to send them off to college. An older woman is often not looking to settle down and set up a home like her younger counterparts. She has a home of her own and wants to have the bed to herself-- except when she has a boy (toy) sleepover. The older woman is under no pressure to give her mother grand kids, often doesn't equate a guy having sex with her as proof that the guy likes her, and because there is less pressure, the sex is often more pleasurable, more intense, more satisfying and satiating. It is what it is. Unless you were an insecure, ball busting, control freak as a young woman, an older woman is more confident, relaxed and free, and the connection, I believe, is more genuine and easy.

What are the perils of May-December hookups? For the cougar--that you may get stuck with a blubbering, whiny love sick thunderkitten who wants to marry you, move in and follow you around til the end of time. That's why you left your whiny, blubbering love sick husband or same- age boyfriend!
For the thundercat--that you will turn into a blubbering, whiny, love sick thunderkitten who can't understand why your "old lady" won't return your calls or text you back in the middle of her client-filled day. And what did she mean when she said it wasn't going anywhere? Did she mean she wasn't going anywhere? The good loving she gives you wasn't going anywhere? Or that you should slow down during sex and not hump on her like a wild spider monkey because "it" wasn't going anywhere? On the up side--you'll both enjoy a great relationship, filled with fun, laughter, good times, down days and make up sex like any other normal relationship between two people who like and respect one another. Nothing wrong with that, at any age!

Looks like it's story time. So, you're minding your own business on a Saturday night when the last thing on your mind is the fact that you're alone again on a Saturday night. By some random coincidence, you look up and bam--a nice piece of eye candy. Smooth skin, great smile, tight butt, broad shoulders, chiseled arms and a spark in his eye that pumped the life back into that old beaten up heart of yours. You straighten up, don't think twice about the fact that you haven't been this nervous around a penis in-- dare we say: 2 years, and you immediately hope and pray that he somehow feels the same way too about your over 40+ year-old behind and will get up the nerve to contact you. And he does. On a social network no doubt, along with Pookie from Oz and taco-meat-chest-hair Bob looking for a hook up on the down low. Jeez. Do you even know how to text other than "I'm stuck in a cab start the meeting without me"? And so the somewhat sordid, some would say salacious, story begins of your May-December thundercat chase. Be warned--this is not for the faint of heart or you who think that every thundercat is an Ashton Kutcher clone. The average young man is perhaps an Ashton in the making, but it will require time, patience and did I mention time--which you may not have. Not because you're old(er), but because you're a busy, worldly person and time is the last thing you have to teach a boy how to treat a woman. (Remember that's why you left the husband and your last same-age boyfriend?!) But if you take the time (like you hope he will when he finally gets up the nerve to rev your engine)--you just might be surprised to find him open and flexible, sensitive and kind and often deeper and far less ornery than the old crusty coots you've been ignoring on that less than harmonious dating site you've been trolling through. So, in other words, like you want your young man to be patient, patience is what you should learn to have as well. The payoff could be well worth the wait.

And for you thundercats, don't be lazy and let go of old scripts and notions that relationships are all about a poke and a smoke, that a woman might catch feelings (if not a disease) if you give her the business (wink, wink), and that somehow your friendship will be ruined if you cross the line. What line? Who says there is a line? Who says there are rules in love and relationships? Who says intimacy can only be achieved through some physical act or DNA swapping? Learn to go with the flow and follow your heart and the head on your shoulders, not below your belt. You may be surprised what you might find.

Next time on the Thundercat Chronicles: You've chased each other, now what? Do's and Don'ts of thundercat dating.

Meow kitties...